Amy Gaushua Xiong

A million miles away. A message to the main. Seasons come and go but I will never change. And I’m on my way.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you were falling and then you kinda twitch and wake up? Well Last night I had a dream LIKE that and I twitched or something and it felt like my legs locked up and i tried to move them then my ankles made a pop noise. It was kinda weird! And in the middle of the night it was like, WTF I’m trying to sleep….. :( Then I realized that lately that’s been happening to me alot. Damn, I’m weird. 

I admit, I’m a bad person. But excuse me, I’m sorry I can’t please everyone. I’m sorry that if I don’t pick sides I lose. I’m sorry that if I do pick sides someone will turn on me. I’m sorry that you’d tear my heart to pieces. I’m sorry that I may seem shady. I’m sorry if I was an honest jerk. I’m sorry that I lied to spare you’re feelings. I’m sorry that offering you a helping hand means you can take all of me. I’m sorry that getting a bad grade makes me a bad student. I’m sorry I scraped my knees for you. I’m sorry you used me. I’m sorry I tried to impress you. I’m sorry i disappoint you. I’m sorry I had to suck it up and act like i wasn’t mad at you. I’m sorry I tried to be the better person. I’m sorry if I hurt. I’m sorry hurting me is like nothing. I’m sorry my memory terribly decides to fail on me. I’m sorry i lack balance. I’m sorry I have to care when you cry. I’m sorry you’d laugh in my face as I cried. I’m sorry I cried myself to sleep so many nights. I’m sorry I have so many nightmares. I’m sorry I never listened to you. I’m sorry you never heard me. I’m sorry I faked my smile. I’m sorry not wanting to continue in your footsteps or your dreams makes me a bad daughter. I’m sorry I’m a bad sister. I’m sorry when you fight with someone and i’m not there I’m a bad friend. I’m sorry having trust issues makes me a bad lover.

I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you dreamed of. I’m sorry I’m not the sister you wanted. I’m sorry I’m not the friend you appreciated. I’m sorry I’m not that student you honor. I’m sorry I’m not the girl that you could fall in love with. I’m sorry I’m not the person you’d remember forever.

I’m NOT sorry that I am the way I am.

People said I always ran away from everything. The truth was, I don’t runway to see who will follow. I runaway to be alone.

One day, you wake up and realize things are not as simple as they seem. One thing can trigger a number of events, without me even knowing. So I thought, here I am, doing nothing. All the things that happen to me that i don’t say are stuck in my head. And that’s bad because i have horrible memory….so here’s where I look to Tumblr to keep my memories. Because I was too lazy to write in a diary, LOL. Anyways, memories are special…and I’d like to keep them….well the good ones at least. But still, I most likely will post bad memories too. So I guess this is the beginning of my ranting?